With Or Without You
by Juliette Angel
Summary: It's SV POVs, but it's mostly a man wanting a woman to simply love him. UNFINISHED.
1. Chapter One

This is going on after episode #6 **_Salvation _**. This is of course S/V, so if you do not care that way, be aware. ;)

I do not own any of them, so don't sue me. I'm poor, well, not rich enough to be sued. LOL!

This is a story for romantic people that will have to wait a year, I bet, before Sydney and Vaughn get together. This is also a story that will make me practice my English, so thank you to all of you people who read my fanfics and tell me I should go on, this is great to hear.

_What the story is all about:_ A man wanting a woman to love him.

ICU: Intensive Care Unit. Just for your information if you didn't know. 

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**x**** With Or Without You ****x******

Chapter One 

I just stayed there, staring at my fingers like an idiot. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move, I was just numb, like I'd die right away on the spot if I ever dared to blink one eye. It's funny what it does to you when you learn you have a fatal disease. In my case it's a deadly virus. I don't know which one I prefer to have, really. 

So I ended up here, in this room, with my oxygen on, monitored, and wearing some ugly hospital gown. The doctors ran hundreds of tests on me like I'm some sort of a lab rat. I told one of them: _"So much for fighting a cold, huh?_" But he didn't find my humour funny, me either actually. So I have nothing else to do but to wait and see. Wait, I can do that, but see? See what? This room is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. They should have put a Batman or Spiderman comic book on the roof, at least I'd have something to read. I smile. This sounds like something Weiss would say. Someone told me earlier that he called and asked how I was and if I needed a yoyo to entertain myself. I laughed when the nurse told me that. The poor guy got a bullet in his neck and he is calling to ask how I am. That's my buddy.  

So I close my eyes, trying to think of something other than the fact that I might never see my 34th birthday. Hell, I might never see Christmas…I might never see Sydney again. _Ouch!_ That is rough. I wish she had told me what she was going to say before we got interrupted today. Who knows, maybe I'll get to know it one day. I'm glad she's okay, I'm glad that she isn't sick like I am because this doesn't feel good at all. I knew my chances were more likely to get the virus than Sydney since I swam in that damn thing. _God I need air._ "I have trouble breathing!" I yell to someone on the other side of the window. I think she heard me because she comes in with a machine, hooks me up to it, and it showed 78% oxygen saturation. 

"I'll give you oxygen, Mr. Vaughn. Just to make you comfortable and to make sure you don't get a headache from oxygen deprivation. It will ease your breathing too, of course." The nurse told me. I nod and she leaves. _Humph!_ I feel tired and I want to sleep but something tells me I have to stay awake. Where was I in my thoughts? Oh yes, Sydney…of course. Earlier when we were here, I just couldn't sleep. I couldn't take my eyes off of her, she was so beautiful, peaceful and quiet while sleeping. She looked like an angel, truly. She is my angel on the run. She saved my life in France. The CIA would have found me way too late. What can I say, not all of them are as smart as some of us are. But Sydney found me, she did, and I was so grateful and happy, that I didn't even know what to say and what to do when we were in the woods. My thoughts were so mixed up that I didn't know if I should hug her, or kiss her or something. And then she left to meet Dixon, and when we got back to LA it was all the same again. Well, not entirely true, it changed, something changed. Yes, we are closer than ever and I love it. I enjoy every bit of the tiny moments we can get alone. Good thing I did, because there might not be more of them. It's depressing to think about it, but it's the second time I'm facing death this year, and I'm now _very_ aware that there _is_ a chance I might not survive this. There just is.

I'm scared. For the first time in my life I'm scared to die. When I joined the CIA I knew it might happen one day, it happed to my dad, so why not me? But it was okay, like the risks were coming with the job. I just could live with that fact, but now…now it seems like everything I hoped for is coming to terms. I feel like I might be able to have a real life with Sydney one day, and I so don't want to miss it. My professional life is going very well, I'm proud of what I did, and I know I can do more. I want to see what is in front of me. I want to live a big long life, I want to buy a house, I want to have kids, I want to see them grow up and have kids of their owns, and I want to try that new aftershave I saw in the drugstore. I want to be able to do simple things. I want to be able to yell at something or someone when I feel the need to instead of always be the diplomatic Vaughn. I want to apologize to Alice for the way I treated her the last 3 months we went out together and explain to her why I was always running out on her after a phone call. I want to be able to tell my mom one more time how much I love her and how grateful I am that she raised me this way even if I used to yell at her when we disagreed on certain things and choices I made, like when I told her I wanted to work in the CIA. But mostly, I want to tell Sydney I love her. I do. I love her so much it hurts. 

Literally. My heart hurts…

I hear sounds on the monitor, and then everything went black. 

*~*~*

I'm trying not to run and and not to be so obvious about why I'd be running, but I just can't walk normally. I'm walking very fast right now, not caring that CIA agents might stare at me, I just heard Vaughn's sick. I enter the ward and then I see doctors yelling, "We intubate!" and nurses running, and I get an unpleasant feeling. I walk slowly towards the room where Vaughn is supposed to be and I see with horror what's going on. I freeze. He's flat lined. Oh my god he died, and the medical staffs is doing everything they can to resuscitate him. My mouth is dry, I can't swallow, I think I'll faint. I feel the blood rushing out of my head down to my feet. My hands are humid and my knees are abandoning me. I want to grab something to keep my balance but nothing is around. It is then that I hear my dad's voice behind me telling me to come with him. Did I answer him? I have no idea, but he took my arm and I walked with him in the hall and we sat down on the bench. We stayed there in silence, I don't know if it was for lack of words that he didn't say anything, but he just offered me his shoulder. It was more than I could have asked from him considering my relation with Vaughn. 

He uncomfortably told me in an unsure voice: "They are doing their best to save him, Sydney, believe that." 

"I know." I answered in a shaky voice. I know he didn't want me to get too close to Vaughn, but how could I not? "He is a very good man, Dad, always been professional, and he is such a good friend to me."

"I know." He simply said. 

I don't know how long it took, but the doctor came out to see if family was here. 

"I called Mrs. Vaughn and told her to come." Jack said to the doctor. He nodded. "Can we have a bit of news?" Dad asked him. I stared at my dad like a 7 year old who discovers that her daddy is the strongest daddy ever. He knows that if I were the one asking this question, the doctor wouldn't have given us any news on Vaughn because we aren't immediate family. But my father is Jack Bristow, and in the CIA, you don't say no to Jack. I thanked him silently.

"Mr. Vaughn flat lined for about 1 minute and a half before we were able to resuscitate him. We shocked him three times, and we had to intubate him to help him breathe because his lungs weren't doing it for him anymore. We successfully brought him back to life, but he is still unconscious. We took the tube out." 

"But he will be alright?" I foolishly asked.

"For now he is, until the virus brings him back to the next level." The doctor honestly answered me. I nod. "Would you like to see him, Miss Bristow?" 

"Yes, please."

"Only for 5 minutes. ICU protocol."

"Sure." I followed the doctor.

"Don't be surprised to see many machines in there." And then he left me. 

I pushed the door open, and got inside. Hospital smell, it smells like death and I don't like it. I stare at him, lying there in the middle of the room in some kind of transparent plastic tent, looking so vulnerable. _Oh Vaughn.  _I pull myself a chair and sit right next to him, on his left. I just keep staring at him and tears are running down my face. 

"I don't want you to die." I say to him while crying silently. _First Danny, then Will was in great danger, and now you. I'm poison to the men in my life. I'm poison ivy to you Vaughn. I'm so sorry I got you into this, even if you'll say to me that you're a big boy and that you can make your own decision, it was first because of me that you came to Taipei. You would never have gotten this virus otherwise. _ I take his hand in mine, it's so soft and warm. _Don't you dare die on me, I don't know what I'd do without you, sincerely. You're what's keeping me from going insane in this crazy world. You're my balance, my ally, but mostly my friend. You're the only one I fully trust. You're always telling me what I need to hear even if I don't want to listen to you. You've always been honest with me, and you're always forgiving me even if I said harsh things to you. You always have my best interest in mind, and you are able to put aside your issues with my mother even if I know she gave you real deep pain once. You are so nice to me, why are you so nice to me? I've been so rude to you when you were only trying to open my eyes. _I hear sounds on the monitor, the EKG doesn't look normal to me, the nurse comes in, adjusts the level of Cardizem (says so on the bag) and leaves. _You're so pale Vaughn, so pale. Don't you die, don't leave me alone. You mean more to me than I could have imagine, it's funny how you find out how much you care for someone when you are about to loose him or her. _ Tears are running down. 

"Don't leave me alone with this crazy life." I desperately tell him.

"I'll try not to." I hear him say with a rusty voice. I wipe a tear off of my face and smile sheepishly. He is looking at me with what looks like an encouraging smile for me. 

"Hey." I tell him.

"Hey." He looks around him and sees the machinery. "What happened?" 

"Huh…Vaughn…" God, why is it me who has to tell him that? "You apparently had an heart attack and flat lined." His smile faded. 

"You're kidding me?" But it wasn't a question, it was more of an understatement. "I'm not the luckiest with my heart this year." He says sounding far away in his thoughts. "Sydney…?"

"Yes?"

"Promise me something if I don't make it." He started to say. Tears went down on my cheeks again.

"Please don't talk that way…"

"Promise me that once everything is over with SD-6, you'll do whatever is possible to live a happy life." He said to me, firmly holding my hand in his.

"Your 5 minutes are up." The nurse told me, opening the door and closing it right after.

"Vaughn…" I'm almost pleading him to stop this insanity.

"Promise me Sydney." He insisted.

"I promise, but don't you give up on life. I still have to talk to my mother." He smiled at me, understanding what I was about to do. He nodded. 

"You do that." 

We stared at each other and then I left the room.

*~*~*

She was crying for me. It may sound naïve, but I just didn't think she'd cry for me. She is so good at keeping her emotions to herself, I didn't think she'd let her guard break down. I'm so happy I could cry, this means she cares a lot for me, it's the first real sign I'm getting from her. And it happens while I'm on a fucking hospital bed! I'm so mad at life right now! I'd yell my anger out loud if I wasn't so tired. When I saw her holding my hand and pleading for me not to die, I would have held her in my arms. It was so sweet, and her hand was so soft and afraid to touch me. Afraid to touch me…because of the CIA protocol. It got Syd and I really messed up. Can't be with you, but can't live without you either. At least on my part. I always told myself that if we had put her under the Witness Protection, I would have wanted to see her. That wouldn't have been a great idea. I could have put both our lives in danger, and mostly hers. And now look at us. Look at me. I'm on my death bed, thinking about what might have happened instead of focusing on what will happen to me in a few hours. God, I'm not even able to cry for myself. It is likely that I'll die of this, or maybe Derevko will cooperate and tell Sydney what she wants to hear: that there _is_ an antidote. I so hope there is. 

To think of it, I'm such a coward. I'm willing to take risks for my professional life, and I'm not even able to take them for my own happiness. That's so lame! Who cares about the freakin' CIA standard protocol? I already crossed the line with Sydney and they know it, but they won't do nothing, niet, nada, because they know she won't cooperate with anyone else but me. That's my girl. But what will she do now? She won't have a choice if I don't recover…she may trust Weiss though. So there's hope she'll go on with this project.

_Humph! _There's so many things I wished I had done differently in my life, it's unbelievable. Really Mike, stop thinking, you are too morose. Who wouldn't be in my case? I'm here lying on that bed waiting for that virus to get me. What a pleasant moment. But if I _do_ get through this, who knows, some miracle might happen, there are things I'll change in my life. 

The doctor comes in.

"How are you feeling Mr. Vaughn?" He asks me while taking notes of the number on the screen.

"Wonderful! I'm ready to rumble!" I sarcastically answer. 

"I bet you are Mr. Vaughn, and it's normal that you feel so tired."

"I have to ask you something."

"Of course."

"I need a witness for this." A non-family one, it would be too hard for them. "Is Jack Bristow there?" There's a good chance he might be here.

"Yes, he was with his daughter earlier. Want me to get him for you?" He asked.

"Yes please, since I can't do it myself." He goes out of the door and comes back about 3 minutes later.

"You asked for me Mr. Vaughn?" Jack asks in his cold sort of way. That is so him. 

"Yes, I need a favor."

"Ask." He plainly said.

" I needed a witness to make sure the doctor here would do as I asked him to." I take a breath. "Mr. Bristow, Doctor, I want to make sure that when I'll reach the level in the disease where there is no return and that I'm about to agonize, that you'll just end my pain for good. Understand?" Jack's face looked tense and he moved uncomfortably. "There is no use in keeping me alive if it's only for me to suffer like hell, right? Can you do this doctor?"

"I'll do my best." He simply answered.

"That isn't a satisfying answer for me when I know the pain I'm about to live will make me wish I had never been born. I don't want to die this way." Who wants to?

"If such a thing is going to happen Mr. Vaughn" Jack told me, "I'll make sure what you just asked will be done."

"Thank you." I gratefully said. "I knew you were the man for this." He nodded and then walked out. 

*~*~*

"Daddy? What were you doing in there?" I asked my father as I see him walk out of Vaughn's room with the doctor.

"He asked me a favor." 

"What?"

"It's between him and me Sydney." 

"Okay…I talked to mom, and she said there's an antidote. I'm going to get it, I just hope it will work. I better go tell Vaughn…"

"I wouldn't do that if I were you Sydney." He interrupted me." If it doesn't work, or the mission goes bad, he would have had his hopes up for nothing." Wow, he is more understanding than I ever thought.

"You're right."

"Meet me in an hour for the mission with the details." My father said before leaving.

I watched him walk away from me, not knowing that he didn't want me to know he was probably going to kill the man I love.

To be continued… 

~Anna~

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	2. Chapter Two

Thank you to those who left me reviews. They are welcome. J

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Chapter Two 

When I woke up, I felt as if I hadn't had a drink in 2 days, my mouth was dry and I felt dizzy. I knew from the corner of my eye that someone was sitting besides me. I turned my head towards my left, and my eyes rested on a very still Jack Bristow. He stared at me with a weird look, an accusatory look. I didn't ask him why he was looking at me this way because it wasn't the right time nor the right place for it, but I bet it has something to do with Sydney.

"What happened?" Is the only thing I can think of. 

"You slept for over 40 hours." Was the simple answer I got. Why is he here? I asked him to end my suffering, is it what he's doing? 

"Am I dying?"

"Almost." He answered straightforwardly. "Sydney got the antidote, looks like you'll be fine, you're blood levels have improved."

"How did she do it?" I bet it wasn't piece of cake, she said it was going to be easy when she came to see me after talking to her mother while taking some of my blood, but I could see in her face she didn't want me to worry about her.

"She had Sloane killed." _What the fuck?!_ Sloane's dead?! Why? How? "I'll let you rest now Mr. Vaughn." I was too stunned to move or speak. _She had him killed to save me?_ That sure says a lot…Now I understand what Jack's face meant. 

Dr. Nichols took blood again, and said I was getting healthier, and that I'd be able to leave in a few hours. My mom came in and took me in her arms, crying. I know it's hard on her, she already lost my dad. She took me home where I could take a hot shower and dress up, and then I left to go to the Agency. That's where I was briefed about what really happened with the mission to save me, about Sloane not being dead. As I walk into the hallway, I see Sydney staring back at me with a huge smile. It's obvious she was waiting for me. We stare at each other, not knowing what to do; me, happy that she saved my life again, and her, happy to see me alive.  The place is rather empty, most people have got home, it's about 8pm. I just make a small move towards her and we end up in each other's arms. A warm feeling overcomes me, and I thank her for saving my life. This is very emotional for me, and as I fight the tears from coming down on my cheeks, I can feel that Sydney's body is shaking and that she's trying to control herself. I'd like to have her in my arms always, but the embrace has to end.

"You're feeling alright?" She asks, her eyes still watery. I know I look pale.

"I'm fine, at least I will be." I uncomfortably move. "I heard about Sark." I have to find a safe zone to talk about, or I can feel it, we might break. 

"Yeah, thanks to me Sloane's standing has never been higher. I don't believe Sark to be an ally for one second."

I nod and we stare in each other's eyes again. She looks down for one second and I know the meeting is over. 

"I'll see you tomorrow." She tells me in her sweet voice. I'd give anything to hear her one day say _I'll see you at home. _I nod again. As she is turning her back on me to leave, I catch her left hand in my right one. 

"Syd?" She looks at our hands and then at me, I can see she is trying to hide her surprise.

"Yes Vaughn?" Even if I call her Syd, she'll never end up calling me Michael, I know that.

"Do you have any idea that you're the reason why I'm standing here right now? I owe you my life twice." She shyly smiles at me. "Do you even realize that you risked everything to save mine today?"

"I know." She says back, staring right into my eyes without blinking. I love those eyes. I smile at her and take her right cheek in my left hand as I delicately kiss her on the left cheek.

"Thank you Sydney." My voice sounds rusty, and we are standing too close. She nervously smiles at me and take a step back. 

"Yeah, well…" She's avoiding eye contact for a few seconds. Shit, maybe I shouldn't have…but I just didn't think… "I'll see you tomorrow." And she walks away from me after giving me a nice smile. A true one. 

*~*~*

 He's right. I risked everything to save his life, I even put myself in danger, and everyone at SD-6. The only thing I could think of was the goal of the mission: Saving Vaughn. Why? Because it was _my_ goal. _My_ mission. It was what _I_ wanted. Nobody told me I _had_ to save him, that he was too valuable to the CIA to loose. I know what he is worth, and a man like him you don't find on every corner. He has many qualities I admire in him. No, I wanted him to be alive, to stay alive. I couldn't let him die, I just couldn't, so I did what I thought was going to save him. After all, it was _my_ mission. _My_ goal. _My_ Vaughn…

My Vaughn…As I stayed there, in the hospital, holding his hands, while he was saying to me to be careful and be happy if he didn't make it, I knew I couldn't think of a life without him in it. I just knew it, I felt it, and I just wanted to cry and put his hand to my cheek like close people do. But it's forbidden between us, and that makes it look like innocent behaviors are not that innocent after all. There's a Great Wall of China between us. We both would like to climb it, but what is on the other side?

I like him…a lot. 

I'm even thinking that I may be falling in love with him. I dream of him at night. It's never happened to me since Danny died. And when I wake up, reality hits hard. And when I have nightmares, he is always there to make me feel better. I just go to him, and he doesn't ask any question, he just holds me, waiting for the tears to stop, and then, but only then, I tell him what happened. He's always been able to make the pain go away, or to make it better. Isn't that what love is suppose to do? I'd like to be able to lay my head on his shoulder every night after work, and hear him say to me that one day all of this insanity will be over. But we can't just say screw protocol, and live what we want to live. It's too dangerous, for both of us. And the result will only be pain. 

But if only I could just hold him once more and finally find out just how soft his lips are. If only…

And today it happened, we hold each other's tight again, and we were both too emotional to think straight. And he kissed me on the cheek. I can't believe he did it, and in the CIA main room. It was so sweet the way he did it. I still can feel the warmth of his lips on my cheek, and the way we looked into each other's eyes after it. All I wanted was for him to put his lips on mine. It was a foolish thing to think, but I so wanted it. I knew it was never going to happen in a million years, but for a tiny solitary fraction of a second, I actually thought: _This is it. It will happen_. But no, it didn't. It's the Forbidden Fruit. 

Can you explain to me why a simple kiss would crash our worlds forever? 

Because it wouldn't end in a simple kiss…and we both know it. We do.

*~*~*

"Hey." I said to Vaughn as I walked towards him in his CIA office.

"Hi." He simply answered looking at the papers on his desk.

"You wanted to talk to me?" This is so formal, I want to be sick.

"Yes." He took a small box that looked like a jewelry one, and gave it to me. It says _Merry Christmas_ on it. I must have looked numb because he smiled. "Go ahead, open." They were gold earrings with a small ruby in the middle. I was speechless. 

"Vaughn…I…" There were just something mischievous in his eyes, and I could swear I've seen him giggle. He cleared his throat before speaking.

"Those were made by our tech guy, when you press on the ruby, a picture will be taken of the view you give them." He smiled. "You thought I was giving them to you, huh?" I must look like a total idiot. _You rat!_

"Well, I just thought, when I saw it…you know…since you didn't give me any clue it was job related…" I could feel my cheeks burning. "You wanted me to think that, so stop it, would you?" And then he burst out laughing.

"Yeah, I was playing you. It was really funny to see your face though, I can't say I won't do it again…" And he gave me his most charming smile that disarmed me totally. 

"Be careful, I might just do the same but I'll do it when you won't see it coming." Does he know Sneaky Sydney?

"I can't wait." Then again with the smile. 

"You're rather on a good mood today?" What's with him? 

"Because I'm morose usually?" He asked, looking surprised.

"No…just not that, happy."

"Maybe because I cherish life more now." 

"Maybe." 

"For the SD-6 mission, we want the pictures of the plans where they are cultivating the serum."

"No problem, this will be easy." As I'm about to leave the office, I bump into Weiss. "Hi!" I tell him with a huge smile, before hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.

"Hi Sydney!" He cheerfully said. "Wow, I'd be willing to get more bullets in my neck if it's to receive such a treatment when I get back." He looked at Vaughn. "Mike, I hope she gave you the same treatment?"

"Nope." Vaughn said to Weiss. "But lets not forget she did save my life. Twice."

"You have a point there my friend." Those two in a party must be something to look at. "Hey buddy, you wanna grab a pizza after work?" Weiss turned to me. "Sorry Sydney, I'd invite you, but Mike promised me a private Drag Queen dance…" I burst out laughing. "and it's time I get it." He added.

"Oh yes, Weiss, about that," Vaughn was playing along with him, "I must tell you I forgot to shave this morning."

"Wonderful!" Weiss said, his hands joined in a joyful manner. "Will I get to do it?"

"I better go before I hear too much of this…" I told them giggling.

"Oh Syd…?" Vaughn asked.

"Yes?"

"Don't forget the earrings." Oh right, the earrings.

*~*~*

I made her blush from embarrassment. It was so sweet the way she looked at me when she thought I was giving her the earrings. I don't know why I acted as if I was giving them to her, I guess I just wanted to see what she would do if I gave her a nice gift. I got my answer: she'd be pleased. 

Wow, it's almost 2:00 in the morning, and I'm tired as hell. Weiss made me eat pizza and drink beer all night. Good thing I took a cab to come back home. Home. It doesn't look like a home to me. A home is more comfy than that, and it's warmer too. Here, it's cold. Cold and empty. Empty from Sydney. Ah man, stop thinking about her. 

Weiss is in his Carpe Diem mode after he's been shot, he told me I should tell Sydney my real feelings and not wait until she gets a bullet herself. It was a nice picture, really, Weiss telling me how I could find her dead one day, and be all sad that I didn't tell her I loved her. _Sigh!_ He was exaggerating, of course, it's Weiss, but he wasn't wrong in what he was saying. There's truth in it. I know I have to tell her. And I will.

I take off my clothes and went into the shower. Ah…that's better, the hot water is making me relax. 

I poured myself a nice cup of tea, and sat on the sofa. It's 3am. Sydney left for Sweden. She must be in the plane right now, probably sleeping, or reading her steps to follow in the mission. I hope everything will go right, I have a weird feeling. It's probably because of what Weiss said to me tonight. I'll kill him if I don't sleep at all! But Jack is with her for that mission because Dixon had a sick kid to take care of. I know Jack will protect her if something happens, he is her father after all, yes, SpyDaddy will look after her. 

So I went to bed at 3:30, and turned over and over again getting all tangled in the sheets until I finally found sleep an hour later. 

I woke up all sweaty, and it showed 5:00 on the clock. I sat right up in my bed, trying to calm my breathing. Something was wrong, I could feel it. Something was very wrong. 

To be continued….


End file.
